When Israelis say "no," they mean, "not unless you yell."

I get no call back from the general about moving up my draft date. I freaked out and called my Aaliyah Shaliach, just to find out she was visiting Israel at the time. She told me to call some guy named Tzuki Ude (052-384-7909.) Tzuki works with new Olim and lone soldiers and may be able to help me. She also tells me to call Merkaz Aaliyah BaOlam (02-620-4373.) The Merkaz doesn’t so much as return my call. Tzuki, on the other hand, tells me that he can try to help me out, but I need to fax him a copy of the letter I left at Lishkat Giyus with my reasons for wanting to push up my draft date.

I go back to Lishkat Giyus the next day and retrieve my letter. The officers have no even touched it yet. I went upstairs and asked someone to fax it to Tzuki for me. The soldier faxed it for me without a problem. One of the major benefits of such an army atmosphere is that everyone is chilled out and will do you favors like copy and fax stuff for you without question.

I went back downstairs and asked the officer why he didn’t call me back. He told me that I had to request this from a guy in the next office named Nir Cohen. This didn’t account for his irresponsibility of not calling me back and, seemingly, never intending to, but I was in no position to argue to I went to go speak with Nir Cohen. Nir is a young guy, maybe 19 or 20 who works in the office that people usually go to if they want to push off their draft date; nonetheless, my request fell under his jurisdiction. I give him the letter and he made me explain it to him. I did and he told me he’d get back to me by the end of the day.

He didn’t. I went back to Lishkat Geyus the next day and asked him what’s going on. He told me that his commander is sick and that he can’t grant requests like this without her permission. He says he’ll call me next Monday.

He didn’t. I went back and he asked me to explain everything to him again, as if it were the first time I gave him my request. He told me that he’d call me by the next morning.

Give a guess what happened next. I was at Bar-Ilan doing my interview for grad school. The problem is that until I know when I am going into the army, I cannot choose a time to start grad school. Nir promised he’d call me before the Bar-Ilan interview so that I can confirm my application. He also gave me his office number so that I can call to “remind him” before 10 in the morning. His number is 02-500-7207.

OK, now I got real pissed. He had been lying to me about his commander being sick for two weeks now. It is impossible for her to be sick this long without having someone temporarily replace her duty in this department. I went back and asked Nir when he’d know an answer for sure. He tells me that he’ll know by 2 the next day and that he’ll call me. “No,” I responded. “Let me call you this time.”

I call at 2 the next day and no one answers. There is no machine, so it just kept ringing. I let it ring 50 or 100 times until it pissed off the people in the next office so much that they answered it. I told the soldier who answered the phone that Nir was supposed to be in his office at this time and give me a response. The people in the office next door find Nir. He still didn’t ask about my request. He told me he’d know in a half hour. “Fine,” I responded, “I’ll call back in a half hour.”

I call again and again every half hour, letting the phone ring from 50-100 times, just patiently waiting for Nir. Every time I call, the people in the office next to him pick it up and find him and get even more pissed at him for not answering his phone. And everytime I speak to Nir he tells me that he’ll get back to me in a half hour. I assured him that I have no problem continuing to call him every half hour.

At 4:30 he breaks down and apologizes for doing nothing this entire time. He begs me to stop calling for the day and assures me that he’ll really ask tomorrow and he’ll really call me with results. I responded, “Okay, except let me call you.”

The next day I go to Ulpan and relax. I can rest assured that he’ll get back to me or I’ll make his life a living hell. I know I broke him and that gives me an incredible feeling of satisfaction. I missed his call at 10:30 by accident and called him back a` few minutes later. “Where were you?” he asked in a voice filled with panic. I told him I was in Ulpan and missed his call by accident. He told me that he got the work done and that I was approved for the December 18th draft. He told me that he’d send my draft letter in the mail. I was not sure if he was lying to me or not; maybe he was just trying to shut me up. I told him that he shouldn’t bother sending the letter because I’ll come over right now to pick it up in person.

I went on the next bus to Lichkat Geyus and waited for Nir to come out of some meeting. During this time I went to the drafting office and asked them when I am to show up for the draft. He checked the computers and found that I was indeed registered for this December’s draft. Soon after, Nir came out of his meeting and gave me my Tzav Giyus (draft notice.) Things are looking up.

Profiling - Part 2

Now I am faced with a slight dilemma. On one hand, I need to ensure that I get a good profile so that I can serve in the army. On the other hand, I know that I need to take care of my high blood pressure. Thus I am in need of a strategy to (1) get a doctor to sign on my medical form from the army without seeing the results, or else lying about them and (2) getting another doctor to help me manage my slightly high blood pressure.

I went to Yad Sarah, an organization that lends out medical equipment, in order to borrow a blood pressure monitor (I had to leave a 200₪ deposit.) Then I took the monitor to a nurse at my local kupat cholim (medical insurance) and told her that she was to sign the medical forms upon witnessing that the results of my blood pressure monitor matched hers. Realize that she could read the forms; they were right in front of her eyes. She simply took my word and checked my monitor and gave me my signature and off I went.

I have been under slight crtisism for this entire deception, so let me just explain. I had high blood pressure once before and my doctor determined after myriads of tests that it was a “white coat syndrome,” meaning that it is higher in a doctor’s office because I am nervous. What good would it do to monitor myself for nine weeks when I have to go to a doctor’s office in order to measure it each time? If it is a white coat syndrome, we’ll never know. The doctor at Lishkat Giyus was a Miluim guy who was so indifferent that he didn’t give me the time of day. Thus, for better of for worse, I took matters into my own hands.

I went to my regular doctor and began dealing with my blood pressure problem. He ordered me to wear a blood pressure monitor for a day to see once and for all what the deal with my blood pressure is. I had this system of wires and pads hooked up to me in order to check my blood pressure randomly throughout the day. The wires made me look like a suicide bomber for a day.

The results came back two weeks later and it appears that my blood pressure is slightly high, not significantly, and that white coat syndrome exaggerated it. Thus it turns out that the numbers I had written on the medical form were honest after all. I had written them to be a bit high in case, God forbid, something should happen to me because of my blood pressure, the army should be in the know.

On September 18th, I went back to Lishkat Giyus and gave over a copy of my college degree, college transcripts and the ID of the person who gets money if something happens to me. When I gave over my college stuff, the soldier asked me if I had registered my degree with the ministry of education. I told her that I had, but they take six months to authorize a degree, unless the army steps in and asks for it to be authorized sooner. The girl did not believe me and I gave her the fax number and file number to move up my degree’s authorization. She still didn’t believe me. I told her to call over her supervisor and finally her supervisor’s supervisor admitted that I was in the right and she faxed over the information to the ministry of education. As I keep saying, in the army you are dealing with a bunch of 18-20 year olds. They have no long term experience and it is annoying; you have to boss your way through the bureaucracy.

I went to give my blood pressure results and was told to wait a few minutes for the results of my profile. As you may be assuming, in a place like Lishkat Geyus you need to remind people again and again why you are waiting, so finally the soldier gave me my results. My profile is a 97. That is the highest score that one can attain, and I got it despite the fact that I recorded that I have slightly high blood pressure. Apparently that doesn’t affect a profile at all. Now I can go downstairs and get my draft date.

I went downstairs and I was told I’d begin the army in May 2007. Wow, not exactly what I was expecting. Shlav Gimmel has two drafts per year, December and May. I really wanted December for all the reasons I wrote before. I asked the guy if he could help me out. He told me to write my reasons for pushing up my draft date and he’d get back to me that afternoon.

Profiling - Part 1

On August 22, my girlfriend got a call with a message for me to show up and meet with someone on August 30th. The man from the army did not say with whom I should meet; I guess I’ll have to figure that out on my own.

I woke up August 30th and went back to Lishkat Geyus. I don’t know what got lost in translation but by their records they told me that no one was scheduled to meet with me. They told me to just begin the physical and psychological tests to determine my profile. I was given this swiping card that I bring to each place so that they can keep track of my results.

The first stand I had to go to was a sort of interview / psychological test. I was asked basic psychological questions (“are you depressed?” “do you use drugs or alcohol etc.”) and had to converse a bit in Hebrew about any movie I saw or book I read recently. I was asked what I would like to do in the army, to which I responded, “I’d really like to clean toilets and guard Machane Yehudah.” Apparently the soldier with whom I spoke did not find that so funny…

Anyways, I had to give all my basic information, plus the name and ID number of another Israeli who gets a lot of money, should something horrible happen to me. I also did not have a copy of my college degree and transcripts, which they need also. I told them I’d bring it over sometime soon.

The interview took a long time, and I really had to use the bathroom. When it was over, I was finally able to go and relieve my stressed bladder. Then I went to the next stand, ready for whatever was to come my way. I entered the room and a woman asks for a urine sample. Well, I was ready for almost anything to come my way.

So there I am, talking to by body, thinking of waterfalls and running water so that I can produce just another cupful or urine. Finally I do what I’m supposed to and I pass with flying colors. I took a quick eye test and I was on to the next station.

The next station consisted of two doctors. I was told to give some basic medical information and then went to meet with the doctors. The first doctor, a man, took down my basic medical information again and took my blood pressure. It was kind of high. I told him that in the past I had significantly higher blood pressure when it was taken in a doctor’s office, a sort of “white coat syndrome,” as they call it. He told me to fill out a form monitoring by blood pressure over the next nine weeks and then get back to him. He asked about any problems I could possibly have with my back or knees and I told him I had none.

Now this is where I received a lot of criticism from friends. Many of you know I had a herniated disc nearly two years ago and was in pain for over a year. I had healed myself following the technique of Dr. John Sarno and now my pain is gone forever, now that I know that it is caused by physiological, not physical, factors. I didn’t mention any of this because I did not want this guy to only listen to half of what I was saying and lower my profile due to back problems. I have none. I don’t think I lied because at the time I was telling the absolute truth – I have no back problems. Furthermore, I was told to do a number of physical checks on my back by the next doctor (touch your toes etc.) and I performed all the tasks with ease.

Speaking of the next doctor, the next doctor is a woman who has to check me when I am undressed (for hernea etc.) Now, I would logically say that for the reason of privacy and sensitivity to religion, the army should only use male doctors for men and women for women when it comes to physical checks that require undressing. Especially the Israeli army, which has thousands of doctors at their disposal (being called up for Meluim) and can easily arrange for a male doctor. I see this as an unnecessary showing of indifference to religion. I can see Charedim (very orthodox) flipping out over this. At another time in this blog I plan on recording my feelings about Charedim and the religious atmosphere of the army.

…Anyways, after meeting with the doctor I had to go to the final station. This station consisted of a series of computerized tests that take several hours. I entered and was asked how well I speak Hebrew. I told them that I speak like an amateur and they told me that I could take the tests in English. This means that I only take the parts of the tests that are multilingual, such as math problems and continuing patterns. The whole test took me about thirty minutes.

After all the stations, a soldier told me that I could not get my draft date until I get my profile, and that my profile depended on my blood pressure. This would mean I’d have to wait at least nine weeks in order to get a draft date, endangering the possibility of getting an earlier draft date. I asked if there was any way I could do it sooner. The soldier told me that if I wanted to do it sooner I’d have to speak to a commander named Avi. Needless to say, Avi wasn’t in his office, so I just waited outside his office for a while. There was another soldier in the office, but he said that he could not grant me any permission to do the tests sooner unless he asked Avi. So I waited.

There are times you come to appreciate a bureaucracy of 18-21 year olds. This was one of them. The other soldier in Avi’s office was doing nothing until a female soldier came in to spend time with him. I could tell that he wanted me to leave so that he could be alone with this girl, but I was waiting for Avi. He looked at me and said, “look, you can do the tests two times a week instead of once.” Since I only had to run nine tests, I could complete this in only four and a half weeks. I responded “I don’t know, maybe I should wait for Avi.” He looks at me and says “fine, you can do the tests every other day and come back in two and a half weeks.” I agreed and went back home.