Final thoughts

I have been hesitating. I do not know exactly how to end this blog, but I figure a general summary of my experience and some advice would be a good start.

Not everything was fun. I painted walls, organized papers, mowed lawns and did almost every type of work I used to think I was too good for. God does have a sense of humor.

The army is there to help you. It is not as scary as people think. During my exit interview the second in command of the base asked me what I was doing for my last week of army (which is a vacation time in order to prepare to give back army stuff and re-enter civilian life.) I told him I was getting married and I would be spending the week moving. The commander immediately offered to send an army truck and two soldiers to move my stuff for me. It was fun having a truck and two soldiers show up at my Yeshiva in order to help me move my stuff to Petach Tikvah.

You have more benefits than you think. You get one week off for regular vacation and the last week as a preparation or leaving the army. Also, if you are a lone soldier, you also get the occasional day off for errands once every two months and the one month by your parents (the army doesn't pay the ticket.) You get extra money for being a lone soldier – in the form of money toward rent, free electronics (I got 1250 shek to spend on household electronics) and other donations, stipends and food.

The army is extremely respectful of religion. Throughout basic training the commanders wanted nothing more than to accommodate us. If there was a problem, all one had to do was mention it and it was dealt with. Soldiers treat Judaism with the utmost respect. When the army sent two soldiers to help me move, one was a man and one was a woman. They arrived about lunch time and my Rosh Yeshiva told me to have them come in and eat some lunch before the long journey back. The woman refused to enter the Yeshiva because she felt she was not dressed properly. She was wearing a regular tight chayalet uniform and thought that it would be disrespectful to God to dress like that in a Yeshiva. I think it is fair to say that the army is the last true bastion of complete religious tolerance throughout Israeli society.

The army is more flexible than you think. Almost everyone in my unit from basic training did something other than the five original options. People from my unit ended up in the Rabbinate, working as lawyers, engineers, helping out with computers, working for the IDF public relations, aiding in scientific research, and fighting in the paratroopers. Remember, you can always just ask. Also, try not to get bullied into signing up for more time. If you fight it, they’ll let you do (almost) anything you want without signing up for more time.

I got a lot out of my army experience. I gained friends, integrated into an important part of Israeli society and improved my Hebrew tremendously. I wouldn't trade it for anything. That does not mean it was perfect, it just means that I am happy I did it and if I went back in time, I’d do it all again.

One Month Home

I have been at my home in New York for the last month. How did I pull that off, you ask? Well, it’s one of the benefits of being a “chayal boded” or lone soldier. A lone soldier is a soldier is a soldier who have no immediate family in Israel. A lone soldier gets a ton of sweet benefits including money, gift certificates and packages. When you are in the army, your “mashaki tash” (human resources contact) will inform you about most of these benefits and direct you exactly where to go and when. There is only one benefit that you need to ask for. That is the benefit of leaving the country for one month per year of your army service. (In the case of shlav bet which is only 6 months, you still get a full month abroad.) It is the right of every chayal boded to have one month abroad by his parents. This month is INCLUDED as part of your army service; you do NOT need to serve an extra few weeks after your release time to make up your time abroad. Also, this does not impact any of your vacation days. Keep in mind that you only get one trip; you can't break up your time into several trips. Either you go to work or you are abroad on vacation.

A few restrictions apply:

1 – Your month cannot be taken during your time in basic training.

2 – Your month cannot be taken during your time in a course

3 – Your month must be requested at the base for which you will be working during your absence. This means that you cannot schedule your trip abroad while you are in basic training, because you will be at a different base after basic training when you go abroad (after basic training everyone goes to another base.) As far as I know, only the people who did NOT pick one of the original 5 options for jobs that were offered were at one place long enough in order to schedule to go home. For anyone who chooses one of the 5 jobs, try going straight to your mashaki tash the day you arrive at your interim base (where you spend 2 months waiting for your course) and schedule to go home. It’s better than doing a pointless job.

4 – Unless you are a fighter, the army does not assist with paying for your ticket home. This changes year to year, as I have heard that some years they would give a partial assistance. Ask your mashaki tash.

keeping our enemies at bay

Well, it has been almost a month in beautiful Zerifin. I would just like to recount some of my finer moments in my military service.

I was sent as an armed guard to escort a group of people in a course for the Chevra Kadisha (people who deal with funeral services and burial.) The trip was, as one might expect, to a cemetery and mortuary in order to learn the necessary requirements for the course. As some of you know, I am a Kohen; thus, I am forbidden to enter a cemetery or mortuary under most circumstances. Upon being given the job as the armed guard I asked my boss what I am expected to do, since I cannot violate Halacha. He told me to just to sit in the office outside of the cemetery and wait for the guys while they go on their course.

“But what if they need me? What if something happens?” I asked.

“Don’t worry. One of the guys will have your number. He’ll call you,” My officer responded.

I retorted, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find them. They’ll be the ones being shot at without someone to defend them. Either way, they’re already in a cemetery with a Chevra Kadisha. I guess even if the worst possible scenario occurs, they couldn’t have it any easier.”

Another story of my defending the State of Israel:

Last week I worked as a backwards Mashgiach, or at least that is what I call it. There was a group of soldiers who were having a Shabbaton and the Rabbinate sent me along with two of the organizers in order to see to it that any food that they bought for Shabbat was Kosher. As a matter of policy, the Army Rabbinate only accepts labels of Kashrut that is endorsed by national religious Kashrut endorsements, such as the Chief Rabbi of the country or any particular city. The strange thing was that the soldiers kept finding stuff that was endorsed by ultra-orthodox Rabbis, so the food had a standard of Kashrut way above the standard Rabbinate. Unfortunately, since it was not endorsed by national religious Kashrut endorsements I had to keep telling them that they could not buy it. Thus instead of ensuring that all the food was Kosher enough, I was ensuring that they did not buy anything that was too Kosher.

Oh, I got engaged. I will only be discussing the aspect of the relationship of being engaged and its relationship to the army in this blog, keeping with the original idea.

In the spirit of breaking the rule I set forth in the previous sentence, you can leave me a message of mazal tov on onlysimchas.com. Look for Jonathan Degani. That’s me.

That’s all for now. I am off to keep defending the country in my only very limited way.

all over the place

I finished my first full week working for the Rabbinate. I am still not sure what will be happening, but as of now I am helping out a captain with the religious needs of the base, such as Kashering food, preparing for religious events etc. (I spent a large chunk of the week preparing a seder Tu B’Shvat for a bunch of lieutenants.) I will probably be in a course to be a religious counselor, once the course begins, and I may be taught how to check and fix mezuzahs in order to fix up what is needed in the base.

I am meeting a lot of people who do nothing in the army. No, I am not talking about lazy people, I mean people who actually have a job of doing nothing. These is a guy who works in my department and actually has an office and seems to do nothing. After working with him for a week and a half I asked him, “Eli, what is your job here?” He shrugged his shoulders and told me that he is “just there” in case someone needs something, but in the mean time he has a TV in his office to kill time. And this isn’t a case of a solider without a job, he actually signed up for a job in the army (he is in his thirties) and the army usually only does that if they want the person to stay one.

There are a group of guys who show up every day to get a paper or something. They were waiting when I first arrived a week or so ago and told me that they have been waiting outside the office for a month. I thought they were joking, but it has now been almost two weeks and they just show up every day, wait and go home.

I met a lot of people around the base over the past week. Everyone is fascinated by Americans. I usually get two different kinds stages of responses. First they tell me how noble I am for moving to the country and volunteering for the army, then they ask me why I would possibly volunteer my time into such a crazy army.

Rabbi Jonny Degani

Oh, you read the title correctly. I am in the Army Rabbinate. Strange turn of events.

The week started off normal, running, drills etc. Monday I had my swearing in ceremony. I didn’t swear; I affirmed, as all religious people do.

Tuesday morning we had distance breaking. That is when the Mefakdot introduce themselves for real. Once you get past basic training, everyone in the army addresses each other by their first name; the formalities are over. As we clearly saw, the mefakdot were are all much younger than us. One of the funniest things was hearing them say their ages. They said their ages with halves (“I am nineteen and a half”) like little kids. They sat with us during breakfast and it was kind of weird and fun to talk to them like normal people. Thursday night everyone met at a park in Tel Aviv and we had a barbeque.

Tuesday afternoon I was sent to Bakum (central army base) with all the people who were not sent to one of the five jobs mentioned in the last entry. After waiting about 7 hours, I found out that I am in the Army Rabbinate. The general told me I would be in the Chevra Kadisha (those who care for the deceased.) I explained I was a Kohen (thus I cannot come in contact with a corpse) and he told me to work it out with the Rabbinical Authority tomorrow when I report for duty.

My new base in called Zrifin. The base is located near Rishon Le Zion. Unlike my old base, Zrifin is the size of a small city; you need a bus to get around within the base. I had some luck the first day.

A cop stopped me for jaywalking and asked for my ID in order to give me a ticket. I responded in my blatantly American accent and suddenly it all got better. The cop turned from a serious officer into a teenage girl and asks “where are you from in the States?” “Do you know my friend in Brooklyn?” and other questions that Israeli girls ask when they see an American. Somehow, my ticket turned into a warning and a free ride to the base.

I had to go all over the area and do paperwork and then meet with Avi, the head of the department. By the time I got to see Avi it was too late and he told me to meet with him again the next morning.

I was not the only Shlav Bet guy to go. Another guy went and the next morning he was told that in two weeks he’ll be in a course for the Chevra Kadisha. I was not assigned the same because I am a Kohen. Avi understood; Avi is also a Kohen.

The army is desperate for people in the Rabbinate. The Religious Zionist people in the army usually want to be in fighting units (80% of Hesder soldiers are fighters, as opposed to 30% of non-religious Israelis.) I found out a few days later that two other men from Shlav bet were taken into the Rabbinate. Apparently, when they were sent to a base, someone noticed they had a kippa and took them. One is a Mashgiach, which is a thankless job of cutting vegetables, and one is a religious counselor.

Well, most guys in the Rabbinate have a low profile because most religious guys with a high profile go into a fighting unit. Hence, a guy with a strong Yeshiva background and a high profile is kind of a rarity. Avi refuses to put me into a simple course for a job like Mashgiach. He told me that if he accepts me I’ll have something interesting, but difficult. He is still thinking about what course I should take.

In the mean time, I help out around the office. It is like I am in a totally different army. It is much more laid back and disorganized.

Oh, I am living at home now. I kind of miss being at the base during basic training. I had a lot of good friends there and to be honest, Yeshiva isn’t that much cleaner. Still, it's good to be home

Finishing the Basics

Well, I officially finish basic training on Tuesday. I can’t believe it is over. I have not been updating my journal due to lack of time and that itself should stand as a testament as to how little free time I have.

A few notes and observations.

1 – I learned how to shoot and M-16; rather, I learned that I don’t know how to shoot well. If a terrorist would be standing directly in front of me, there is only a 50-50 chance I would hit him with a bullet. I would probably have better luck using the back of the gun or throwing my canteen.

2 – I did Shmirah (guard duty.) When you learn to do shmirah you are that if you see someone first you yell “ta’atzor” (stop in Hebrew). If he keeps going toward you you say “wakaf anna batuhah” (stop or I’ll shoot in Arabic). If he still goes toward you, shoot two warning shots. Then if he is still going advancing, you shoot.

Forget the Hebrew, certainly forget the Arabic. If there is a suspect, I’m not taking any chances. I’ll yell “stop or I’ll shoot” in ENGLISH and fire. My aim is so bad that it probably won’t hit him and will serve as a warning shot. If it does hit, well, then I guess that is God’s will.

3 – I made a lot of great friends in my short amount of time in the army. I remember when I first got there and had no one to talk to any time and didn’t even care for my breaks. Now I enjoy every break and even time in class. It also made the Shabbas in the base especially special.

4 – The army is very accommodating about religious stuff; although the people in the army are ignorant. They do stupid and insensitive stuff, but if you just tell them, they are more than accommodating.

5 – Shlav bet (tier 2 – the program I am in) prepares people for one of five options in the army. The options are (1) truck driver, (2) auto mechanic (3) handy man (4) driving huge bulldozers, mostly for search and rescue or clearing out mine fields, (5) chem and bio hazard control, used often for clearing off tanks in war or controlling the army in the case of chemical or biological warfare. You can also write in whatever options you want but you need some pull to get into something else. I will know what I will get in a week or two. I chose Handyman and put in a request for Rabbi.

This is the schedule for shalv bet: 5 weeks basic training. Those with a low level of Hebrew (and I mean really really low) do ulpan for 2 months. Those with a satisfactory level are stationed doing something somewhere for 2 months (I’ll tell you when I know later this week.) Then you take a course for one of the things mentioned above for 3 months, and you go home and do regular Meluim (yearly service). I am not sure if during the time in classes you have to do other stuff like shmira (guard duty), I’ll find out when I happens.

6 – The army is not very organized. It can be really frustrating. They teach you to value time dearly and then waste it on nothing. It is also difficult to schedule your life during army service.

7 – This past week we visited Jerusalem. We went to the Old City, Har Herzl (which I didn’t go into because I am a Kohen) and Yad Vashem. Yad Vashem was redone recently, but either way it was the first time I ever went. I chose to go at my own pace to read what I wanted and listen to videos of survivors. I was exceptionally moving. There were two points where I almost cried while listening to videos of survivors telling their stories.

8 – Last week we visited the border by Lebanon and Syria. Israel has a lot of awesome spy equipment. The coolest thing was seeing that Israel has a feed into Syria’s camera’s spying on Israel.

A word on Har Dov (the Shaba farms). This was the first time I ever saw Har Dov. Nothing can grow on there, because it is too high up. In fact Syria did not even use it as farmland when they controlled it. It is not all that strategic to Syria or Lebanon because the Hermon, which is Israel’s, overlooks it. All you can do from Har Dov is shoot into Metulah, an Israeli town on the border. There is no reason for Lebanon to insist on having it or for Israel to give it away.

Basic Training Part 4

It has been a long time since I last wrote an entry and much has happened. I will try to recall whatever I can, but the mere fact that I have not had time to record most of my thoughts in the army is already a testament to how busy I have been,

I also want to apologize for not e-mailing anyone back who e-mailed me. I can check my e-mail in the army (via cell phone) but I cannot write back. That is why I am talking to everyone at once, ad bloc, via this blog.

The week was awesome. I had a lot of fun and became much better friends with the guys in my unit. Here is the rundown.

December 24

Back at the base nice and early. We got out guns and learned some basic stuff (how to clear it of any bullets and make sure it is safe to use. We also learned how to take the M-16 apart.

Sidenote: All the M-16s say “property of the US government” on them. They were donated by America during the Yom Kippur war. There were the same M-16s used by Americans in order to fight in Vietnam. Also, all the jelly for the sandwiches comes from America (Shoprite Brand.) I think it is part of the foreign aid package.

December 25

Monday was awesome. We went out and learned all kinds of different shooting positions and fighting techniques. The ground was covered in rocks to learning many activities, such as crawling, was extremely painful. Still, it was a lot of fun.

December 26

It’s raining; I’m freezing. We do most things inside. We learn different types of first aid (bandages, tourniquets, etc.) and more about shooting. It is good to relax.

December 27

Now there are really making stuff up for us to do. We were supposed to go shooting, but that is being postponed on account of the rain. I know rain is a blessing, but when you are freezing and wet every time you go outside, you begin to ask God to withhold His blessing just a little bit.

We were tested on the first aid stuff and parts of the weapons and portable phones. This was the written part. It was a complete joke. Everyone cheated in plain site, shouting answers across the room. I felt like I was in middle school.

December 28

Again, nothing to do in the morning, but somehow the army manages to fill up the time with nonsense. In the afternoon we had our physical tests (no cheating.) We had to know different shooting positions, how to disassemble and reassemble an M-16 etc. I passed. I think everyone did.

We got the packages from kids abroad. There are packages of food and blankets and some other stuff for lone soldiers. It felt just like the movies.

December 29

Wake up at 4:30 like every day. We were sent home for Shabbat at 6 AM. It takes about 4 and a half hours to get to my home in Jerusalem. Shabbat Shalom to me.

Basic Training Part 3

You know what’s great? Shacharit – the 45 minutes or longer that I have to pray to God and escape the wrath of bossy 19 year olds. Being religious has been much easier than I thought.

Not much happened. Aside from standard formation and physical stuff, we had a class on the different levels and officers in the Army. Now I can easily distinguish a capable leader from a punk 19 year old.

Every classroom has a picture of Dan Halutz, the commander in chief, and Moshe Katzav, the President. I have yet to see a single picture of Ehud Olmert, the Prime Minister, anywhere. I wonder if there is a reason for that.

Basic Training Part 2

The unit I was in was temporary; all of us needed to be divided based on our level of Hebrew. I took a test in the morning and by the afternoon we’d be given new units. That afternoon I was placed in the unit with the highest level of Hebrew. This is a mixed blessing, because while most of the guys are more serious, I don’t understand everything that is being said. I went to an Ulpan that taught mostly verbs and I am severely lacking in my knowledge of nouns.

There are 17 guys in my unit, coming from 10 different countries, United States, Canada, Argentina, England, Denmark, France, Holland, Russia, Ukraine, and Australia.

My new Mefakedet (commander) is much nicer than the one I previously had before. Nonetheless, whenever she senses a lax attitude, we have to do push ups, then sit ups then push ups again. We do just enough until it hurts and you can barely move anymore.

I am so tired. My body is so sore. Every time someone speaks I end up falling asleep and end up having to stand for the rest of the speech as a punishment.

We never just walk somewhere. We are just told “line up there in 20 seconds” and we run in order to get there and line up. The thing is that you can ask for more time if you need, but you cannot just move once time is up. You have to admit and plan for your abilities.

We got Madei Bet uniforms. These are the ones that you wear around the base, they are much dirtier and can take a beating. Only one pair of my Madei Bet clothes fits me, and the 19 year old girls who run the place keep giving me the same size every time I try to exchange the pair that doesn’t fit. I now wear the same clothes every day that I get all disgusting and sweaty.

We have to keep changing from Madei Bet to Alef and back to Bet again. It is a huge pain because every time I change I have to untie and retie my shoes, which can take up to 10 minutes. This is nearly impossible considering we are only given 7 minutes to go upstairs, change, and come back down. I keep getting in trouble. Finally I decide to come down without the shoes tied so that I can be on time. This was the best idea and now I am not yelled at every time I change.

One of the most difficult things about being in the army is managing bodily functions. Planning to use the bathroom or even scratch your face could be a tumultuous, difficult task.

Oh.. I got a gun, but no bullets. We can only have the guns during the week; soldiers in training are no longer trusted to take guns home on weekends.

Opening Day - Basic Training Part 1

Interesting morning. I found out that I am not in shlav gimmel (tier 3.) Apparently the government phased out shlav gimmel this past summer and now I am in shlav bet (tier 2.)

In the morning I met up with a bunch of other people as Ammunition Hill in Jerusalem. All the guys there were given a brief induction and taken into an absorption base near Tel Aviv, where the army took down our information, gave us any necessary vaccinations, and gave us our uniforms. (These uniforms are the nice one people wear to special occasions and in public –called Madei Alef.)

That afternoon we were taken up to Michve’ Alon, our current base. We were divided into units and met with our commanders. Our commanders are all a bunch of bossy 19 year old girls. We started learning basic formations and tasks and eventually we were driven to out limits.

My unit was mostly Russian. There was one Canadian guy who speaks English.

The food is okay, but the dining room is cramped and kind of dirty. The army does not give out napkins of any sort at meals. There are Menorahs and time to light Chanukah candles during dinner.

The housing is disgusting. I live in a room with bunk beds against every inch or wall; there is no place to put anything. If you have anything, you have to put it on or under your bed (and share that limited space under the bed with the guy who sleeps in the bed above you.)

There is only one hour at night to relax, talk on the phone, shower and prepare stuff for the next day. It is nearly impossible to choose to do all of these activities every day,

"...we have nothing to fear but fear itself."

The purpose of this entry will be to document any fears I have about going into the army.

1) Being captured – I have heard what Arabs do to prisoners; it’s not pretty. It reminds me of my grandfather’s description of how the Japanese treated the American prisoners during World War 2. While the Germans would usually transport POW to a POW camp, the Japanese were infamous for torturing Americans in defiance of rules of warfare. Come to think about it, the whole idea of “rules of warfare” sounds subjective and debatable.
But the main fear I would have would not be for myself. I would hate to think of what news of my capture or death would mean to my family. I understand that this entire fear is far fetched, as I will probably be no where near any action, but it still crosses my mind.

2) Cheating on my girlfriend – The Israeli army is reputed to have quite a promiscuous atmosphere. When I was Shana Bet (2nd year in Israel, 3 years ago,) there was a kid in my yeshiva whose girlfriend was in the army. She told him that the army offers unlimited birth control, condoms and pays for two free abortions. I am aware that the army is promiscuous because it is filled with 18-21 year olds, and maybe I will be away from such an atmosphere because I am older. For one, I am going to be recruited in a group that consists of men over 22, so I think that will help take care of the problem. I do not think that I am the type to do something stupid, but you never really know for sure. I am reminded of the Gemara at the end of the first chapter of Kiddushin that states that a man who overcomes his desires to sin promiscuously will be saved from physical danger. Maybe overcoming this fear will save me from my first fear.

3) Becoming lax in my observance of Judaism – This fear is really just an extension of the second fear. The army is reputed not to have an atmosphere conducive to religious life. Basically, these two fears boil down to one idea: when you play with cripples, you start to limp. That does no excuse any decisions I make while in the army. Every single person is responsible – meaning that he or she is able to choose his or her response; there is always a choice. I hope I choose wisely.

I think that stating what I fear as I enter the army is only natural. Also, knowing what is right and wrong, what is helpful and hurtful, will help me to face, and hopefully quell, anything negative that comes my way.

Lonely

I got a call from a woman on the morning of November 13th 2006. She told me that she had to discuss my right as a chayal boded (lone soldier – a soldier who has no immediate family in the country. She asks me to come in on December 13th and arrange the paperwork. I figure that if I push it off that long I’ll forget, so I ask her if I could come over immediately and do it now. Once again, I am on the next bus back to Lishkat Geyus.

About 20 minutes later, I was called in for my meeting. A lady showed me my basic rights and showed me what I had to sign. I was given this pamphlet with all the rights of a Chayal Boded. Funny thing is that the pamphlet is filled with pictures of lonely, depressed soldiers.

The woman tells me what I can either get an extra 700₪ a month for renting an apartment or a free room at Beit Chayal, a place where soldiers can live during their free time. She didn’t know if I can get a Kosher or Shomer Shabbat room at Beit Chayal, so I opt for the money. I figure I can get someone to sign a contract saying that I am paying him or her rent so that I can get this extra money. A chayal boded gets other rights, but I am not sure what is applicable, so I’ll note them as I get them in the future.

When Israelis say "no," they mean, "not unless you yell."

I get no call back from the general about moving up my draft date. I freaked out and called my Aaliyah Shaliach, just to find out she was visiting Israel at the time. She told me to call some guy named Tzuki Ude (052-384-7909.) Tzuki works with new Olim and lone soldiers and may be able to help me. She also tells me to call Merkaz Aaliyah BaOlam (02-620-4373.) The Merkaz doesn’t so much as return my call. Tzuki, on the other hand, tells me that he can try to help me out, but I need to fax him a copy of the letter I left at Lishkat Giyus with my reasons for wanting to push up my draft date.

I go back to Lishkat Giyus the next day and retrieve my letter. The officers have no even touched it yet. I went upstairs and asked someone to fax it to Tzuki for me. The soldier faxed it for me without a problem. One of the major benefits of such an army atmosphere is that everyone is chilled out and will do you favors like copy and fax stuff for you without question.

I went back downstairs and asked the officer why he didn’t call me back. He told me that I had to request this from a guy in the next office named Nir Cohen. This didn’t account for his irresponsibility of not calling me back and, seemingly, never intending to, but I was in no position to argue to I went to go speak with Nir Cohen. Nir is a young guy, maybe 19 or 20 who works in the office that people usually go to if they want to push off their draft date; nonetheless, my request fell under his jurisdiction. I give him the letter and he made me explain it to him. I did and he told me he’d get back to me by the end of the day.

He didn’t. I went back to Lishkat Geyus the next day and asked him what’s going on. He told me that his commander is sick and that he can’t grant requests like this without her permission. He says he’ll call me next Monday.

He didn’t. I went back and he asked me to explain everything to him again, as if it were the first time I gave him my request. He told me that he’d call me by the next morning.

Give a guess what happened next. I was at Bar-Ilan doing my interview for grad school. The problem is that until I know when I am going into the army, I cannot choose a time to start grad school. Nir promised he’d call me before the Bar-Ilan interview so that I can confirm my application. He also gave me his office number so that I can call to “remind him” before 10 in the morning. His number is 02-500-7207.

OK, now I got real pissed. He had been lying to me about his commander being sick for two weeks now. It is impossible for her to be sick this long without having someone temporarily replace her duty in this department. I went back and asked Nir when he’d know an answer for sure. He tells me that he’ll know by 2 the next day and that he’ll call me. “No,” I responded. “Let me call you this time.”

I call at 2 the next day and no one answers. There is no machine, so it just kept ringing. I let it ring 50 or 100 times until it pissed off the people in the next office so much that they answered it. I told the soldier who answered the phone that Nir was supposed to be in his office at this time and give me a response. The people in the office next door find Nir. He still didn’t ask about my request. He told me he’d know in a half hour. “Fine,” I responded, “I’ll call back in a half hour.”

I call again and again every half hour, letting the phone ring from 50-100 times, just patiently waiting for Nir. Every time I call, the people in the office next to him pick it up and find him and get even more pissed at him for not answering his phone. And everytime I speak to Nir he tells me that he’ll get back to me in a half hour. I assured him that I have no problem continuing to call him every half hour.

At 4:30 he breaks down and apologizes for doing nothing this entire time. He begs me to stop calling for the day and assures me that he’ll really ask tomorrow and he’ll really call me with results. I responded, “Okay, except let me call you.”

The next day I go to Ulpan and relax. I can rest assured that he’ll get back to me or I’ll make his life a living hell. I know I broke him and that gives me an incredible feeling of satisfaction. I missed his call at 10:30 by accident and called him back a` few minutes later. “Where were you?” he asked in a voice filled with panic. I told him I was in Ulpan and missed his call by accident. He told me that he got the work done and that I was approved for the December 18th draft. He told me that he’d send my draft letter in the mail. I was not sure if he was lying to me or not; maybe he was just trying to shut me up. I told him that he shouldn’t bother sending the letter because I’ll come over right now to pick it up in person.

I went on the next bus to Lichkat Geyus and waited for Nir to come out of some meeting. During this time I went to the drafting office and asked them when I am to show up for the draft. He checked the computers and found that I was indeed registered for this December’s draft. Soon after, Nir came out of his meeting and gave me my Tzav Giyus (draft notice.) Things are looking up.

Profiling - Part 2

Now I am faced with a slight dilemma. On one hand, I need to ensure that I get a good profile so that I can serve in the army. On the other hand, I know that I need to take care of my high blood pressure. Thus I am in need of a strategy to (1) get a doctor to sign on my medical form from the army without seeing the results, or else lying about them and (2) getting another doctor to help me manage my slightly high blood pressure.

I went to Yad Sarah, an organization that lends out medical equipment, in order to borrow a blood pressure monitor (I had to leave a 200₪ deposit.) Then I took the monitor to a nurse at my local kupat cholim (medical insurance) and told her that she was to sign the medical forms upon witnessing that the results of my blood pressure monitor matched hers. Realize that she could read the forms; they were right in front of her eyes. She simply took my word and checked my monitor and gave me my signature and off I went.

I have been under slight crtisism for this entire deception, so let me just explain. I had high blood pressure once before and my doctor determined after myriads of tests that it was a “white coat syndrome,” meaning that it is higher in a doctor’s office because I am nervous. What good would it do to monitor myself for nine weeks when I have to go to a doctor’s office in order to measure it each time? If it is a white coat syndrome, we’ll never know. The doctor at Lishkat Giyus was a Miluim guy who was so indifferent that he didn’t give me the time of day. Thus, for better of for worse, I took matters into my own hands.

I went to my regular doctor and began dealing with my blood pressure problem. He ordered me to wear a blood pressure monitor for a day to see once and for all what the deal with my blood pressure is. I had this system of wires and pads hooked up to me in order to check my blood pressure randomly throughout the day. The wires made me look like a suicide bomber for a day.

The results came back two weeks later and it appears that my blood pressure is slightly high, not significantly, and that white coat syndrome exaggerated it. Thus it turns out that the numbers I had written on the medical form were honest after all. I had written them to be a bit high in case, God forbid, something should happen to me because of my blood pressure, the army should be in the know.

On September 18th, I went back to Lishkat Giyus and gave over a copy of my college degree, college transcripts and the ID of the person who gets money if something happens to me. When I gave over my college stuff, the soldier asked me if I had registered my degree with the ministry of education. I told her that I had, but they take six months to authorize a degree, unless the army steps in and asks for it to be authorized sooner. The girl did not believe me and I gave her the fax number and file number to move up my degree’s authorization. She still didn’t believe me. I told her to call over her supervisor and finally her supervisor’s supervisor admitted that I was in the right and she faxed over the information to the ministry of education. As I keep saying, in the army you are dealing with a bunch of 18-20 year olds. They have no long term experience and it is annoying; you have to boss your way through the bureaucracy.

I went to give my blood pressure results and was told to wait a few minutes for the results of my profile. As you may be assuming, in a place like Lishkat Geyus you need to remind people again and again why you are waiting, so finally the soldier gave me my results. My profile is a 97. That is the highest score that one can attain, and I got it despite the fact that I recorded that I have slightly high blood pressure. Apparently that doesn’t affect a profile at all. Now I can go downstairs and get my draft date.

I went downstairs and I was told I’d begin the army in May 2007. Wow, not exactly what I was expecting. Shlav Gimmel has two drafts per year, December and May. I really wanted December for all the reasons I wrote before. I asked the guy if he could help me out. He told me to write my reasons for pushing up my draft date and he’d get back to me that afternoon.

Profiling - Part 1

On August 22, my girlfriend got a call with a message for me to show up and meet with someone on August 30th. The man from the army did not say with whom I should meet; I guess I’ll have to figure that out on my own.

I woke up August 30th and went back to Lishkat Geyus. I don’t know what got lost in translation but by their records they told me that no one was scheduled to meet with me. They told me to just begin the physical and psychological tests to determine my profile. I was given this swiping card that I bring to each place so that they can keep track of my results.

The first stand I had to go to was a sort of interview / psychological test. I was asked basic psychological questions (“are you depressed?” “do you use drugs or alcohol etc.”) and had to converse a bit in Hebrew about any movie I saw or book I read recently. I was asked what I would like to do in the army, to which I responded, “I’d really like to clean toilets and guard Machane Yehudah.” Apparently the soldier with whom I spoke did not find that so funny…

Anyways, I had to give all my basic information, plus the name and ID number of another Israeli who gets a lot of money, should something horrible happen to me. I also did not have a copy of my college degree and transcripts, which they need also. I told them I’d bring it over sometime soon.

The interview took a long time, and I really had to use the bathroom. When it was over, I was finally able to go and relieve my stressed bladder. Then I went to the next stand, ready for whatever was to come my way. I entered the room and a woman asks for a urine sample. Well, I was ready for almost anything to come my way.

So there I am, talking to by body, thinking of waterfalls and running water so that I can produce just another cupful or urine. Finally I do what I’m supposed to and I pass with flying colors. I took a quick eye test and I was on to the next station.

The next station consisted of two doctors. I was told to give some basic medical information and then went to meet with the doctors. The first doctor, a man, took down my basic medical information again and took my blood pressure. It was kind of high. I told him that in the past I had significantly higher blood pressure when it was taken in a doctor’s office, a sort of “white coat syndrome,” as they call it. He told me to fill out a form monitoring by blood pressure over the next nine weeks and then get back to him. He asked about any problems I could possibly have with my back or knees and I told him I had none.

Now this is where I received a lot of criticism from friends. Many of you know I had a herniated disc nearly two years ago and was in pain for over a year. I had healed myself following the technique of Dr. John Sarno and now my pain is gone forever, now that I know that it is caused by physiological, not physical, factors. I didn’t mention any of this because I did not want this guy to only listen to half of what I was saying and lower my profile due to back problems. I have none. I don’t think I lied because at the time I was telling the absolute truth – I have no back problems. Furthermore, I was told to do a number of physical checks on my back by the next doctor (touch your toes etc.) and I performed all the tasks with ease.

Speaking of the next doctor, the next doctor is a woman who has to check me when I am undressed (for hernea etc.) Now, I would logically say that for the reason of privacy and sensitivity to religion, the army should only use male doctors for men and women for women when it comes to physical checks that require undressing. Especially the Israeli army, which has thousands of doctors at their disposal (being called up for Meluim) and can easily arrange for a male doctor. I see this as an unnecessary showing of indifference to religion. I can see Charedim (very orthodox) flipping out over this. At another time in this blog I plan on recording my feelings about Charedim and the religious atmosphere of the army.

…Anyways, after meeting with the doctor I had to go to the final station. This station consisted of a series of computerized tests that take several hours. I entered and was asked how well I speak Hebrew. I told them that I speak like an amateur and they told me that I could take the tests in English. This means that I only take the parts of the tests that are multilingual, such as math problems and continuing patterns. The whole test took me about thirty minutes.

After all the stations, a soldier told me that I could not get my draft date until I get my profile, and that my profile depended on my blood pressure. This would mean I’d have to wait at least nine weeks in order to get a draft date, endangering the possibility of getting an earlier draft date. I asked if there was any way I could do it sooner. The soldier told me that if I wanted to do it sooner I’d have to speak to a commander named Avi. Needless to say, Avi wasn’t in his office, so I just waited outside his office for a while. There was another soldier in the office, but he said that he could not grant me any permission to do the tests sooner unless he asked Avi. So I waited.

There are times you come to appreciate a bureaucracy of 18-21 year olds. This was one of them. The other soldier in Avi’s office was doing nothing until a female soldier came in to spend time with him. I could tell that he wanted me to leave so that he could be alone with this girl, but I was waiting for Avi. He looked at me and said, “look, you can do the tests two times a week instead of once.” Since I only had to run nine tests, I could complete this in only four and a half weeks. I responded “I don’t know, maybe I should wait for Avi.” He looks at me and says “fine, you can do the tests every other day and come back in two and a half weeks.” I agreed and went back home.

my first trip to lishkat giyus

I came to Israel with Nefesh b’ Nefesh on August 16, 2006. As per the law of the State of Israel (which, by the way, changes every 20 minutes) I am required to serve for six months of initial service in the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces.) Every year after, I will do the standard reserve duty, commonly known as Miluim.

Usually the IDF will not call up a new Oleh in his first year of being in the country, but I wanted to have my army service pushed up for a number of reasons. For one, I am currently single, and serving in the IDF will be much easier to do as such. Two, I plan on going to graduate school for an MBA. While I can delay my service until after getting my MBA, I cannot delay it forever. MBA programs often get students jobs and if I have to go to the army after grad school, I may lose out on the chance of getting a job, which is a major deal in Israel. Finally, by joining sooner than later, I can work on my Hebrew and achieve fluency. I have gone to Yeshiva my entire life and I have been to Ulpan, but unless I am speaking Hebrew in a closed environment, I will not learn the language fluently. I am hoping that the army will do this for me.

I tried arranging my army service while I was in America, preparing to make Aaliyah, but to no avail. Both my Aaliyah Shaliach as well as the head of Nefesh b’ Nefesh told me that I could only arrange my service once I was in the county; there was nothing to do but wait.

On August 17, 2006, the day after I arrived to Israel I went to Lishkat Geyus (army enlistment office) early in the morning. Word of advice, don’t bother showing up before 8:30; none of the commanders do and you can’t do anything without speaking to them anyways. Lishkat Geyus is a strange place. It is a bureaucracy made up of kids 18-20 years old. This has many advantages and disadvantages that I’ll get to later.

I basically showed up and asked to speak to someone about enlisting. I was sent to the third floor and told to wait for some commander to show up. When he finally came, he spoke to me for a little bit and took down my ID number and contact information. At the time I did not have a phone number, so I gave him my girlfriend’s number and told him I’d call and change my contact information once I get a cell phone. He told me I should expect a call in under a week telling me when and where to meet a commander about enlistment.

Intro

In a couple of weeks I will be starting my service in Tzahal, the first Jewish army, of the Jewish people, in their Jewish homeland, in almost 2000 years.

This purpose of this blog is to document my experience in the Israeli Defense Forces, starting from my entry into the country. I hope to document not only what will occur, but how I feel as well. I am writing this for several audiences. I am writing this for my family, friends, students, and anyone else who will one day make Aaliyah and wonder what goes on in the army.

I am going into a program called shlav gimmel. This is a program for new olim, age 22 and up. If there is reading this who is or will be making Aaliyah at such an age, this is the blog for you. In fact, one of the reasons I am writing this blog is that no one ever wrote down what goes on in shlav gimmel, so I have no idea what to expect. Maybe my blog will help the next guy better prepare for what is to come.